Not under control.

Years ago, a professor glanced at me behind a stack of papers and said, "You know, you can't control the universe, Laura." This, my friends, is an infuriating thing to say to a control freak. Sometimes, a person just doesn't want to hear the truth. And that person is me.

I spent almost a week in the hospital this month. I shuffled around in half-open hospital gowns, stress ate tiny cups of ice cream, and waited. Waited to see doctors, waited in freezing cold ER rooms, waited for my pain meds to kick in. Say it with me: no control.

Let me just point out that the joy behind today's entry was not found through me relinquishing all control or surrendering to the universe. I still have no idea how to even attempt that. Instead, joy came from an awesome realization that when you do lose control, there can be people around to cushion the blow. They can spend all day with you in the ER and claim they wouldn't have gotten as far on their class reading if they hadn't. They can pick up cups of iced coffee because they know you're addicted, and they can harass the nurse until she finally tells them when the doctor is expected to come. They take vacation days just to sit by you while you blubber like an idiot because you don't want to have that spinal tap.

When you don't have control of the big stuff, this is the stuff that gets you through it... and headed towards your next joyful entry.